Have you ever felt of isolation?
I do feel that sometimes. I am also thinking of the reasons of being so. Is it 'I am isolating myself from others?' or "I am being isolated by others?'
I don't know, but I just can't stop thinking of that. I am also thinking of these questions into a deeper extent, 'Is that all my fault?' ,' Am I the one who cause it?', 'What has gone wrong in our friendship?'
Maybe I am too sensitive over some small matters, but, sometimes, these small matters bring up some signs of isolation. At least I feel so.
I got this feeling again recently.
I was outstation to participate in a competition with a group of people few days ago. That competition was a team based competition. We went there in teams.
It was a buffet breakfast. I went down to the breakfast a little bit earlier than the official schedule. To my surprise, the entire group were already there in a round table. Full. So, I had my breakfast alone.
Yea...I took a very long time to think about this question. I try to think it in many different points of view.
From my point of view, the song kept repeating in my mind. (Forget it!)
From the second person point of view, I thought of some questions. I also answered those questions.( I might need a psychotherapist.)
X :" You stay in different room mar~" Waterox: "Since when people starting to forget the existence of the invention of Alexander Graham Bell ?"X:" Aiya, small matter only mar~why take it so serious? What to angry wor?"
Waterox: " Firstly, I ain't angry. It's just an odd feeling that I as a part of the group. I don't know how to describe it, try that, fit yourself into my shoes and you'll feel that. I didn't mean that as a group/team, all of us must stick together all the time, no! But, some common activities, we ought to do it together as a group or as a team, right? Secondly, I just wanna state out my feeling. It's a feeling of 'so near yet so far'. You got what I mean? I angry at no one, really."
X:" Got ask you to join ar, but you yourself don't want only!"
Waterox:" To squeeze in a 10-persons table as number 11? No, thanks. I am too fat to squeeze in."
X:" Then, what do you want ?"
Waterox:" Don't know, What would you do if you were me?"
X:" Why so petty ooo..?"
Waterox:" Petty?? What would you feel if you were me?"
From the third person point of view (I really need a psychotherapist.)
Y:" Relax lar~nothing to angry about lar~small matter only lar~"
Waterox:" I am relax. Nothing to tension about. I have no one to mad at. Ya, this is a small matter. But it reflexes my position in other people's heart. If a scale of 1(most important) to 10 is given to rank me in other people's heart, I don't hope that I am 1, 2, or 3 in the ranking, but at least, I am not 9 or 10 in the ranking."
Y:" What you want other people to do wor? Reserve a special seat to you?"
Waterox:" Not necessary to reserve a seat for me. But at least behave like a group when we were a team/group in outstation."
Y:"Aiyo, the table was too small mar~~What to do wo~?" Waterox:" Yaya...the designer's fault...."Ya, maybe I am thinking too much of something unnecessary. Some might say that I am petty over such a small issue like this. Well, what to do, that's me, sometimes I am too sensitive or overacted. But I do have the feeling of isolation.
Talking about petty, some might have noticed that I kept my disant away from someone I know since few months ago. But a lot of people do not know the real reason behind this or they just know the part of it. They are thinking that I am petty or stubborn.
I went to north Malaysia for a trip few months ago. There was where the I started to keep my distant away from that person.
I know my driving skill sucks, a lot of people told me this before since I got my driving license. But, none of them can tell me exactly which part of my driving goes wrong. Is it I always speeding? Is it I always lose control when switching gear? I don't know. None can tell me exactly.
From what I know, I drive very dangerously. That's it.
The fact is, I don't know how dangerous I am when I am driving! One can only know how good the driver is when he is on the passenger's seat. Which driver is able to sit on a passenger's seat when he is driving?
Talk back about the trip.
I volunteered to be the driver during the trip. It was about 1200 when I rented a van and started to drive. Since then I received n-times of criticisms from that person on my driving until the night we reached the hotel where we stayed at around 2230. N-times (>6 times at least) . I couldn't recall it clearly. Actually I received few criticisms from my other travel mates as well, but most of the criticisms came from that person.
I ain't the type of person that cannot receive any criticisms, but, when you criticised me more than the "acceptable" times, it would piss me off.
The first time you told me - [yea, I received your message]
The second time you told me the same thing - [yea, I received your message. I hear you]
The third time you told me the same thing - [Hey!!! I've already known that!!!]
The forth time you told me the same thing - [#$%#!@! (*my limit breaks)]
The fifth time and above - [HEY!!! YOU ARE HUMILIATING ME!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW???]
Do you ever think that 'skills' is the thing that can be improved in a short time by just criticize on the person who is performing that skill? I am in doubt of that.
I kept my cool anyway. I didn't explode during the first day. I still drove them back in one piece despite of the humiliation.
When actually I exploded? After the breakfast of the second day.(Breakfast again~)
On the night of day 1, I was "advised" to hand over the key of the van to that person by some of my travel mates.
OK, I took the advice and handed over the key to that person. It should be fine then, no more criticism on me and I can enjoy my trip. I handed over the key to that person on the early morning of day 2. It was around 0620. I still kept my cool while having breakfast with them. (Although I was a little bit Dulan on those criticisms)
After the breakfast at about 0830, we were about to depart. I was walking 2 steps behind the new driver while heading to our van.
A travel mate who walked beside to the new driver curiously asked the new driver, "Eh?? Why you drive one?? Isn't it Waterox driving?"
The new driver responded :
" 他啊, 驾到我有晕又呕!! (His driving makes me sick!!)"Hey, I was right behind you!! Can't you use better words ar??? Again, I was humiliated !! @#$%!
Yes, that was where and when I exploded!
Since then I showed a black face in the trip. I didn't want to be a trip spoiler but I have no choice!! And one more thing that made me even more
Dulan was, the new driver asked me to drive again later in the evening because the new driver was not feeling well.
What? I drive again?? Over my dead body!! I drive again so that you can humiliate me again? KNNBCCB!!! Asked other people la~ Everyone in the trip has valid driving license !!
I am really really pissed off then.
So, again I wanna ask,
- Was I overacted in both issues?
- Am I petty/stubborn?
If yes, what would you do if you were me in any case? (Answer with you true heart please...)
